How to stop being triggered by my MIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"We like it this way"

"John (DH) and I prefer it this way"

"I actually really enjoyed it"

"We love it this way, the other way is too boring for us"

"I know some people prefer it the other way, but it is too mediocre for our taste, we prefer it our way"

"I know older women prefer it the other way, but I like the modern approach"

Mix it up, keep it light, change the subject, do not dwel on negative, focus on the positive

This might be a little much!

Np but I actually think it might be perfect to get the point across!

[Anonymous]

"Well, I do know that I don't care that you don't like it, Carole."

Works especially well if her name is not Carole.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, did you hear me ask a question? I’m positive I didn’t.

WHAT did you just say to me? (in the same time as to a sassy/swearing child)

Thank you for your input, but as you’ve already seen, I’m still doing it this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"We like it this way"

"John (DH) and I prefer it this way"

"I actually really enjoyed it"

"We love it this way, the other way is too boring for us"

"I know some people prefer it the other way, but it is too mediocre for our taste, we prefer it our way"

"I know older women prefer it the other way, but I like the modern approach"

Mix it up, keep it light, change the subject, do not dwel on negative, focus on the positive

This might be a little much!

Honestly, I love this.

[Anonymous]

In your best southern accent “bless your heart”. Which is southern for F-you

[Anonymous]

I just stare blankly at a spot in front of me for several seconds with a neutral expression and in silence. Then pick up the coversation agsin without actually responding to or acknowledging the obnoxious comment.

[Anonymous]

“I’m not you.”

[Anonymous]

I find that I can only really ignore one or two comments. After that I get visibly annoyed and respond accordingly. Gray rock does not work for me - if I felt I couldn't stay silent Inwould have to just leave the room/house. Luckily my MIL doesn't do it constantly. I feel for ya OP.

[Anonymous]

There are a ton of things to say in reply to MIL eg 'Oh ok' smile and change the subject etc.

What you need is to stop caring about what your MIL thinks. Once you don't care about her opinion of you, what she says just doesn't mean anything to you. It's not easy but how I stopped caring was to look at my MIL and think to myself, do I respect her, do I like her, do I confide in her etc.

I found that no I didn't like her because she was so nasty to me, so why did I care what she thought of me. Nothing I ever did was going to be ok so what does it matter what she said. I simply stopped caring what she thought and it's freedom.

You have to believe in yourself. You aren't going to change your MIL. You really have to change how you react to her.

I remember my MIL once put me down again and told me I'd done something wrong and my reply "well maybe I'll do it right next time". I just didn't care. My FIL burst into laughter and then I started laughing. While my FIL and I laughed my MIL sat there looking angry. Oh well.

[Anonymous]

"Oh, OK!" with a big smile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just flat out ask her why she so often criticizes your choices and when she says she doesn't do that, have a list ready in your head so you demonstrate to her that she does.

If you do this you already lost. This is a game you only win by not playing.

I agree this is only effective with a normal friend/family member. Generally not a typical MIL.

[Anonymous]

Everyone thinks that the perfect zinger of a comeback will solve the problem, but it won't. It might just escalate it. Better to have a few standard, noncommittal responses, and stick with them.

"I don't know if I like that." Responses could include:

"Oh, okay."

"Good to know."

"I'll keep that in mind."

"Hmmmmm."

And then just move on. Don't give it any oxygen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“We didn’t ask for your opinion about that, Marge.”

Repeat as necessary. And yes it will seem rude to people listening. And yes other people will notice. And yes that’s okay.

what would be the point?

OP, you're not going to be friends, so just treat it strategically like an employee you don't like but have to manage. What's the best outcome? If you want her to go away and not come back, confront her. If you want to just not make waves, ignore her. You'll still feel feelings, but at least you're the one deciding to ignore them. Make a little mantra in your mind "I'm going to ignore this woman in the interest of family harmony" or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Similar MIL here. Personally I can’t beat her at being a bitch, so I gray rock her instead.

Mine was away for 6 months and I forgot how to effectively gray rock. I paid for it. Now I’m back, boring as ever

It really depresses me to gray rock though. It sucks the joy out of holidays when I have to do that. I'm a bubbly person though and when I don't gray rock I say things that my ILs don't like, like politics or gay marriage or that we like to go on vacations.

[Anonymous]

None of the comments you posted require a response. I don't mean ignore them, but you don't have to respond.

Just know she's going to stay this stuff and you won't "win". Then detach, not dissociate, but remember whatever she says is about her. My therapist told me to imagine a field of my favorite flowers between me and MIL. It helps keep her emotionally separate from me. And it's easier not to respond.