Mother's Day: Am I the a@@hole?

[Anonymous]

DH keeps asking what I want to do for mother's day, and I've told him - nothing. A day with no plans. The kids actually have no sports and we have nothing on our calendar, which is so rare. I want to do nothing. Maybe go for a walk or binge-watch something. That is it. He seemed put out that we had "nothing" on our calendar, like somehow I am letting him down.

Meanwhile, his mother is coming to visit on Friday-Saturday. She's very nice. It's no problem. She lives an hour away, so she will stay over Friday and come to some of our kids' games on Saturday, followed by an early dinner. Then, I presumed, she would go home.

Now my husband is put out that she isn't going to stay over Saturday as well, because it would be "easier" for her to stay over Saturday into Sunday as well. I am livid. He asked me what I wanted. I told him - NOTHING. No guests, no plans, no nothing. He told me he can't understand why having his mother there is any sort of extra imposition and I could "just do what I wanted" anyway...Which is not how it works with a MIL as a houseguest even if she is nice.

We're also seeing her the very next weekend for a graduation party.

My mom is deceased.

Am I a horrible person for wanting one day without plans? I feel like he asked what I wanted, I expressed it clearly, and he somehow undermined or disregarded it. I am mad.

[Anonymous]

He really can't win with you, can he?

It's his mother. I don't think his impulse to want to allow her to stay Saturday night and take her to brunch or whatever on Sunday is that bad. He already said you could do your own thing (nothing), so take him at his word.

[Anonymous]

This is more an overall comment but that a holiday that is meant to bring families together in honor of their mothers is more times than not the source of such unhappiness.

[Anonymous]

You are NTA. Get yourself a hotel room for Saturday into Sunday and binge-watch, sleep, do nothing to your heart's content.

[Anonymous]

Your husband needs to understand that his mother needs to go home on Saturday night. You have expressed to him that you want to relax and he wants there to be a guest. She is a guest to you, even if she is not a guest to him.

You should tell him that you want him and the kids to go pick up bagels and make you a nice breakfast in the morning with bagels, cream, cheese, eggs, whatever. You have to eat breakfast anyway, and that will give him a way to give the kids a way to honor you on your day. (Part of the point of these holidays is to teach our children how to recognize and appreciate other people.) try to meet him partway on this instead of just saying you don’t want to do anything. He’s probably afraid that if he actually does nothing, he will be disappointed, and also your kids may like to celebrate you.

But your mother-in-law needs to go home on Saturday, especially if you’re seeing her the next weekend and she has already stayed over the night before! Your husband needs to get a grip.

[Anonymous]

I do think livid is an overreaction, unless he's already invited her to stay until Sunday and wants you to rescind the invitation.

Just say "when I said I wanted nothing for Mother's Day, I meant complete relaxation and no responsibilities. A houseguest, even one I like, is a responsibility." And let him make the right choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He really can't win with you, can he?

It's his mother. I don't think his impulse to want to allow her to stay Saturday night and take her to brunch or whatever on Sunday is that bad. He already said you could do your own thing (nothing), so take him at his word.

I don't understand this comment.

[Anonymous]

Or maybe your DH thinks the "nothing" is a trap and he's suppose to be able to read your mind to know that nothing really means breakfast in bed, your morning beverage just the way you like it, DH and kids cleaning the house from head to toe, and a surprise dinner.

[Anonymous]

I think there is a disconnect because your dh doesn't get that his mom = a guest you are hosting and requires work. My own mil feels like that to me and I would feel how you do. If it were my mom, totally different story because she is so low key and easy and it's my mom.

Now you can try and see if you could be a "non-hostess" and how that would work: wake up when you want, do not make her breakfast, go out for a walk or errands or whatever. I know that would NOT work with my own mil. If your mil is relaxed and not easily insulted as mine is, it could.

[Anonymous]

YTA. Listen to him for once, and let his mom come over on Mothers Day..

[Anonymous]

Sure, kick her out the night before Mother’s Day. What if she were your Mother?

[Anonymous]

There is no need to be livid, OP. He just did not understand what you meant by "nothing". To many people, "nothing" is something that needs to be filled up by activities, hence why he thought it would be OK if his mother could fill up that day. You just need to explain that "nothing" is actually a day to RECHARGE with just him and the kids and have a SLOW DAY, in which you will make plans as you go. No guest, even the most calm and unobtrusive one, because that takes away from the point of having as quiet a day as possible. Maybe he will understand that explanation better.

My husband would have made the same mistake, BTW. "Nothing" is a really hard concept for some people to understand!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:YTA. Listen to him for once, and let his mom come over on Mothers Day..

for once? huh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Or maybe your DH thinks the "nothing" is a trap and he's suppose to be able to read your mind to know that nothing really means breakfast in bed, your morning beverage just the way you like it, DH and kids cleaning the house from head to toe, and a surprise dinner.

I am the OP and can think of nothing worse than breakfast in bed!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:YTA. Listen to him for once, and let his mom come over on Mothers Day..

for once? huh?

Yes, I listen to my DH.