Broken home & kid says it doesn't affect him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, ignore all the ridiculous and nasty response. You have done everything you can and now have to take your son’s lead. My kid’s therapist said that it’s common for kids to not deal with childhood issues until they are in their 20s or older. As some apps have said, just make sure you and your son have open lines of communication.

+1. Many of these responses are ridiculous to the point I think the Russian bots are trying to stir the pot.

DC’s father, my ex, had a mental health breakdown due to work stress (military). This caused him to become abusive towards our family and we divorced. Ex and DC got into a fight one day, and ex said he was done being his dad (and that he would hurt DC if DC ever went to his home again).

I have on occasion asked DC if they had any thoughts they wanted to discuss. DC really hasn’t. DC said they know their father has a mental health condition and it wasn’t DC’s fault. DC doesn’t want ex in their life unless they go to therapy together. Ex doesn’t want to do that.

I don’t think it’s wrong to check in with your kid after a traumatic life event. It would be negligent to pretend it never happened and not provide a safe space for your kid to discuss feelings with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is bring this up under the guise of “helping” son if he needs to talk.
This is not for the son, this is for the op, for sure.

I'm happy for you and any of the PPs that don't have kids that were abused at any point in their life. This is not my reality.

Don’t worry OP, the PPs are all the same person with an axe to grind. Some bitter divorced dad no doubt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop saying broken home.

My son actually mocked me when I brought it up. "OH yeah, Mom, I'm traumatized by you and Dad not being together."

Truly, my son had a horrific upbringing with his Dad. He was hit by his Dad when he didn't eat his food. He doesn't remember that. He was mocked every night at dinner by his Dad and his Dad's girlfriend. She pretended to be me to make medical appointments on his behalf to use that to threaten him. He then witnessed his Dad being arrested by the same girlfriend. She intentionally waited for a weekend where his Dad had him in custody to make it traumatizing. Then a few years later she acused his Dad of sexual assault of his other child so my son had to be forenscially interviewed in the investigation..need I go on?

I understand you think this is "me" but, really, some very traumatizing things happened to him. He either doesn't remember or he'll repeat what is his Dad's version of events.

There is no way that you did not know that this man was very bad news before marring and having a child with him. You are 100% complicit.

I had no idea. I had never met an abusive person in my young life. I was much younger than him when we met and he swept me off my feet. It wasn't until I got pregnant that the full crazy came out and, by then, too late. Now that I know the signs of an abuser, I would never fall for that again. But that's not really helpful to me now, obviously.

OP, stop responding to these moralizing a-holes. Your story is completely plausible. There is nothing DCUM loves more than to shame and further abuse victims of DV and spousal abuse. It’s pathetic really and has made me detest this site, seeing what sorts of people are here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, ignore all the ridiculous and nasty response. You have done everything you can and now have to take your son’s lead. My kid’s therapist said that it’s common for kids to not deal with childhood issues until they are in their 20s or older. As some apps have said, just make sure you and your son have open lines of communication.

+1. Many of these responses are ridiculous to the point I think the Russian bots are trying to stir the pot.

DC’s father, my ex, had a mental health breakdown due to work stress (military). This caused him to become abusive towards our family and we divorced. Ex and DC got into a fight one day, and ex said he was done being his dad (and that he would hurt DC if DC ever went to his home again).

I have on occasion asked DC if they had any thoughts they wanted to discuss. DC really hasn’t. DC said they know their father has a mental health condition and it wasn’t DC’s fault. DC doesn’t want ex in their life unless they go to therapy together. Ex doesn’t want to do that.

I don’t think it’s wrong to check in with your kid after a traumatic life event. It would be negligent to pretend it never happened and not provide a safe space for your kid to discuss feelings with you.

This is not op situation. Op is upset her ex remarried.

[Anonymous]

This thread is completely toxic. Report it for deletion.
OP, I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Children of divorced parents and children who have witnessed and been victims of abuse may not process it until they are adults - sometimes older adults. Also, it matters how long they were victims or witnesses of tension and volatility. If it was for a short time, there is less to process than if it was for a longer time.

Don't go looking for trouble, but understand that things might surface in many years.

Yes, but continue to offer to talk an to offer anything you think might help, because your words will bubble up to the surface, right when they start processing and understanding the trauma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son is 15 - his Dad and I haven't been together since he was 3.5 after his Dad assaulted me and him. He was convicted of DV. His Dad for many years wasn't mentally healthy. His Dad had one relationship after that that was very abusive to the kids and the relationship was toxic. My son claims to not have many memories of these times, but he'll remember our trip to Venice during that time pretty perfectly.

He's happy, excellent student, and zero behavior issues. His Dad got remarried recently and I've been remarried for 8 years. I asked him if any of it affects him and he said no, he's happy.

I gave him the advice to not bury things and if he ever needs to talk to someone that's OK too. I also advised him that sometimes things don't affect us today can come back as we get older and that he should deal with it if it does.

Anyone else BTDT with older kids?

He said he was fine so stop trying to screw him up for life!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is bring this up under the guise of “helping” son if he needs to talk.
This is not for the son, this is for the op, for sure.

I'm happy for you and any of the PPs that don't have kids that were abused at any point in their life. This is not my reality.

Don’t worry OP, the PPs are all the same person with an axe to grind. Some bitter divorced dad no doubt.

+1
It sounds like this poster is so angry "Stop bringing up old $#it, never mind that I did that, it's in the past" and maybe he's mellowed but that undercurrent is there and it's important to keep your guard up

[Anonymous]

I will most certainly impact him in negative ways at some point. Probably already has, but like most teenagers he probably 1) lacks insight into it at this point, or 2) isn’t going to tell you about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The dad getting remarried recently has the op triggered and using son to her advantage.

Good catch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will most certainly impact him in negative ways at some point. Probably already has, but like most teenagers he probably 1) lacks insight into it at this point, or 2) isn’t going to tell you about it.

Son doesn't remember parents ever being together. The trigger is mom upset Dad is getting remarried.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son is 15 - his Dad and I haven't been together since he was 3.5 after his Dad assaulted me and him. He was convicted of DV. His Dad for many years wasn't mentally healthy. His Dad had one relationship after that that was very abusive to the kids and the relationship was toxic. My son claims to not have many memories of these times, but he'll remember our trip to Venice during that time pretty perfectly.

He's happy, excellent student, and zero behavior issues. His Dad got remarried recently and I've been remarried for 8 years. I asked him if any of it affects him and he said no, he's happy.

I gave him the advice to not bury things and if he ever needs to talk to someone that's OK too. I also advised him that sometimes things don't affect us today can come back as we get older and that he should deal with it if it does.

Anyone else BTDT with older kids?

This is good advice.
However.
Sounds like not much exposure to the dad or DV situation after age 3.5 so I’d stop harping on too many potential issues.

He is unlikely to remember anything beyond photos or what he overhears as an older child. Like the Venice trip. Is he remembering that from age 2 or 3 or remembering the photos of it it saw last month?

He wasn’t around the bad siatuation long enough to become his father. So drop that notion.

He’s unlikely to wake up one day when he’s married and has a toddler and all these bad dad memories come flooding back. That’s really unlikely OP.

Glad you divorced when he was so young. You are brave and did the right thing, quickly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son is 15 - his Dad and I haven't been together since he was 3.5 after his Dad assaulted me and him. He was convicted of DV. His Dad for many years wasn't mentally healthy. His Dad had one relationship after that that was very abusive to the kids and the relationship was toxic. My son claims to not have many memories of these times, but he'll remember our trip to Venice during that time pretty perfectly.

He's happy, excellent student, and zero behavior issues. His Dad got remarried recently and I've been remarried for 8 years. I asked him if any of it affects him and he said no, he's happy.

I gave him the advice to not bury things and if he ever needs to talk to someone that's OK too. I also advised him that sometimes things don't affect us today can come back as we get older and that he should deal with it if it does.

Anyone else BTDT with older kids?

What does that even mean?

The dad had custody time and was abusing his Wife #2? And who witnessed this or what has she said and are they together or is he on to wedding #3 soon?

[Anonymous]

You are currently messing up your kid by how you are talking to him. His father may have been the problem before, but be very clear, THE PROBLEM IS YOU. Get therapy and stop pressuring your kid to hate his dad. Get the kid therapy too because you are not a person he can trust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son is 15 - his Dad and I haven't been together since he was 3.5 after his Dad assaulted me and him. He was convicted of DV. His Dad for many years wasn't mentally healthy. His Dad had one relationship after that that was very abusive to the kids and the relationship was toxic. My son claims to not have many memories of these times, but he'll remember our trip to Venice during that time pretty perfectly.

He's happy, excellent student, and zero behavior issues. His Dad got remarried recently and I've been remarried for 8 years. I asked him if any of it affects him and he said no, he's happy.

I gave him the advice to not bury things and if he ever needs to talk to someone that's OK too. I also advised him that sometimes things don't affect us today can come back as we get older and that he should deal with it if it does.

Anyone else BTDT with older kids?

What does that even mean?

The dad had custody time and was abusing his Wife #2? And who witnessed this or what has she said and are they together or is he on to wedding #3 soon?

He may not have been abusive and mom may be using that as an excuse. Who knows. But, clearly its not an issue now but Mom still wants to punish him and stop the relationship.