How do you raise winners?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you raise children that can set, meet goals and succeed in what they want?

Are you one yourself? Are you happy with your success? If so, have you asked your parents? If not, ask yourself what does being a 'winner' mean?

[Anonymous]

If you think of people as winners and losers, you are setting yourself and your kids up for strife. Imagine growing up knowing that if you do not cross some imaginary line, your parents will think you're a "loser"? Would this be motivating to you? Would it stress you out? How would it impact your relationship with your parents? Really think about this.

I think the best approach is to meet your kids where they are, provide support and encouragement for them to reach their potential, but also be accepting and make sure they know you love them no matter what. With this approach, you might wind up with a super successful kid who skyrockets to the top of their field. Some people simply have intrinsic motivation for this and if you are supportive and encouraging, who knows where they might take it. But this approach also guarantees that if your kid does not have the skills or drive to be that kind of superstar, they might also wind up a perfectly respectable, self-sufficient adult who likes themselves and is well-adjusted and treats others well.

Parent your kid so that excellence is possible, but they still get to be happy, productive people even if it's not achieved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

But I do believe, supported by both evidence from my own life, observation of others, and psychological studies, that people do best in life when they feel comfortable in their own skin, accepted and loved by their support system, and feel like they have agency in they own lives. Is this the way to make an investment banker? Probably not, no. But if you can love and support your kids, provide firm boundaries and guidance, and allow them independence to be their own people, I think you have the best shot at them becoming adults who will be able to set and achieve their goals (or recalibrate when necessary in the face of failure, instead of melting down).

Seriously, who wants to raise an investment banker? But accepted and loved and comfortable in their own skin is important. That’s easy if they never leave the house. The negative forces out there start to wear some people down. Maybe your child wants to be a farmer but he’s in a school full of investment banker wannabes who ridicule his dream every day. Or the kid that’s a little odd looking but is or was happy until no one would play with her because she was “scary” looking. The constant cruelty is like a daily war.


Sometimes it’s not the parents fault their child isn’t doing well. Sometimes it’s the hurt and nastiness of people out in the world that pick the life out of them.

[Anonymous]

Help your child develop a love of learning in grade school.

When your child hits middle school, help him or her begin to take the reins by speaking to their teachers instead of you doing it. Your kid has a question about an assignment? Your kid emails or asks the teacher, not you.

In high school, you only meet the teachers once at open house. Otherwise, you lie low. HS is your kid's job. Your kid is in charge of managing it, and picking their own classes. You encourage behind the scenes, but it's up to your kid to take ownership of their own education. Self propel, so they are ready for college.

In college, it's up to your kid but they have learned to manage independent of you, the parent, which is critical to following through, doing the work, and knowing who they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What they want or what you want for them so you can brag about them? My DD didn't want to go to college or have children, wanted to live in the suburbs/borderline rural area, and be the manager of a retail store. She's accomplished that and also has a garden where she grows food and has a dog, a cat and a boyfriend and is blissfully happy and self-supporting. So she set her goals, met them and is succeeding in what she wants.

+1 Also, don't come on here and byotch about what other people's kids do ie: where they go to school, for example. You know the sour grapes posts we see every day? Yeah, those. Don't be that parent, because those kids (with those parents) know full well that their parents are ashamed of them, or owrse. Don't be them. Be proud of the hand you have been dealt. Stop comparing apples and oranges. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

But I do believe, supported by both evidence from my own life, observation of others, and psychological studies, that people do best in life when they feel comfortable in their own skin, accepted and loved by their support system, and feel like they have agency in they own lives. Is this the way to make an investment banker? Probably not, no. But if you can love and support your kids, provide firm boundaries and guidance, and allow them independence to be their own people, I think you have the best shot at them becoming adults who will be able to set and achieve their goals (or recalibrate when necessary in the face of failure, instead of melting down).

Seriously, who wants to raise an investment banker? But accepted and loved and comfortable in their own skin is important. That’s easy if they never leave the house. The negative forces out there start to wear some people down. Maybe your child wants to be a farmer but he’s in a school full of investment banker wannabes who ridicule his dream every day. Or the kid that’s a little odd looking but is or was happy until no one would play with her because she was “scary” looking. The constant cruelty is like a daily war.


Sometimes it’s not the parents fault their child isn’t doing well. Sometimes it’s the hurt and nastiness of people out in the world that pick the life out of them.

DP here. If my kid wanted to be an investment banker, or a farmer, or anything in between. I would be incredibly proud of them. It is not my life. It is not my neighbor's life. It is not my frenemy's life. It is the kid's life. Point blank. Nothing will change that it is not anyone else's life but theirs. Nothing. Ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

But I do believe, supported by both evidence from my own life, observation of others, and psychological studies, that people do best in life when they feel comfortable in their own skin, accepted and loved by their support system, and feel like they have agency in they own lives. Is this the way to make an investment banker? Probably not, no. But if you can love and support your kids, provide firm boundaries and guidance, and allow them independence to be their own people, I think you have the best shot at them becoming adults who will be able to set and achieve their goals (or recalibrate when necessary in the face of failure, instead of melting down).

Seriously, who wants to raise an investment banker? But accepted and loved and comfortable in their own skin is important. That’s easy if they never leave the house. The negative forces out there start to wear some people down. Maybe your child wants to be a farmer but he’s in a school full of investment banker wannabes who ridicule his dream every day. Or the kid that’s a little odd looking but is or was happy until no one would play with her because she was “scary” looking. The constant cruelty is like a daily war.


Sometimes it’s not the parents fault their child isn’t doing well. Sometimes it’s the hurt and nastiness of people out in the world that pick the life out of them.

I don't want to lecture, but parents can support their kids even through difficulties like this so that they can come out the other side liking themselves and comfortable in their own skin.

If your kid is not accepted by peers, or is consistently being bullied or harassed, you need to get in there and address these issues. You find your farm-loving kid some kind of program where they can be around other farm-loving kids, and you remind them regularly that you accept them for who they are and don't care if they don't want to be an investment banker like their classmates. If it's really bad, you consider moving your kid to another school with more variety where there's a greater chance they find their place. If your kid is being bullied for ostracized for their looks, you stick up for them, find ways for them to appreciate non-aesthetic things about themselves, provide them for support for looking their best, whatever you need to give them a shot at feeling good about themselves and learning to let that kind of criticism and cruelty go.

Above all, I think one of the most important things parents can do is create a home that is a haven for kids, whatever they encounter in the world. A place where they are loved and can be themselves. I think the biggest mistake I see parents making is trying to "toughen up" their kids by being hard to them, trying to prepare them for the cruelty of the world by building cruelty into family life. This will not work. You break kids this way. Even if a kid gets very "tough" as a result of this, it's a fragile toughness because now they have nowhere to go where they can be vulnerable, where they can lick wounds or build themselves up. You need to offer your kids a safe haven because the world IS cruel and they'll have to deal with that cruelty. Provide at least one place where they can escape it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you think of people as winners and losers, you are setting yourself and your kids up for strife. Imagine growing up knowing that if you do not cross some imaginary line, your parents will think you're a "loser"? Would this be motivating to you? Would it stress you out? How would it impact your relationship with your parents? Really think about this.

I think the best approach is to meet your kids where they are, provide support and encouragement for them to reach their potential, but also be accepting and make sure they know you love them no matter what. With this approach, you might wind up with a super successful kid who skyrockets to the top of their field. Some people simply have intrinsic motivation for this and if you are supportive and encouraging, who knows where they might take it. But this approach also guarantees that if your kid does not have the skills or drive to be that kind of superstar, they might also wind up a perfectly respectable, self-sufficient adult who likes themselves and is well-adjusted and treats others well.

Parent your kid so that excellence is possible, but they still get to be happy, productive people even if it's not achieved.

Acting like a "loser", in your parlance, OP, would be being disappointed in your kid, and making that publicly known. Or feeling like a loser yourself, and taking it out on your kid (or anyone, really).

Ask yourself what makes you feel like a loser? Is there anything you can do to change it? Is it your spouse? Can you leave them? Do you really want to be with someone that thinks of you that way, or makes you think of yourself that way? Why? Which parent made you feel that way? Who do you compare yourself to? Are you the black sheep of the family (there was a thread on this a few months back)? Were you made to feel like less than? Did your sibling go to the best schools, and you not so much? Do you find it hard to live and cope with your failings? Why are your coping mechanisms so bad? Start there. Ask and answer the really most difficult questions about yourself, OP.

Your kid had no choice in who their parents are, but you have a choice if you stay in an abusive marriage. A spouse that makes you feel bad about yourself is not only not a good spouse, they are a terrible person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you raise children that can set, meet goals and succeed in what they want?

By modeling those skills yourself. Your kids learn by watching you.

Many exceptionally privileged people who I know who have successful parents are not exceptional and have struggled with mental health and substance abuse, and even if they seem to have things together (decent job, spouse, kids, lux lifestyle, $2M home) a lot of that is due to the fact that their parents were able to throw money at problems to make those problems go away and then finance their lives as adults.

So many privileged kits lack grit and drive. And maybe some of that is seeing how much their parents sacrificed to get to where they are and deciding they don’t want that life.

I think this is what OP is asking about. When you're kids grow up in a wealthy home, the privilege just comes to them. They don't learn the self-motivated grit that made their parents' successful. How do you teach that, when the kids are cocooned in privilege?

Taking away some of the privilege - being intentional and aware as parents; accepting your children for who they are and encouraging them to pursue a path that they are passionate about that is also financially viable; and allowing your children to fail and learn from mistakes.

+1. You ca not pick their school and major (for one example, I have seen it) and expect them to get excited and be passionate about what they are doing, OP. Likewise, you can not spend your time trying to degrade others efforts and accomplishments. If you exercise self control and ambition, then your kids will, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have three high achieving kids. They have two smart parents and started off being naturally smart. I have heard that mother’s education level and zip code factor in heavily for kid’s success.

This actually makes sense.

[Anonymous]

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clear blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting -
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

-- Mary Oliver

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clear blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting -
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

-- Mary Oliver

Shut up

[Anonymous]

It’s mostly genetics

[Anonymous]

How is this a question? Just make it clear early on what the bar is for sprinkles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clear blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting -
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

-- Mary Oliver

Roses are red
Violets are blue
You’re annoying