Swearing at Kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Apologies if this has come up before.

My wife grew up in a household where her parents were mild mannered and good natured. Her only recollection of her dad ever swearing was once calling her brother an a**hole after he crashed a car as a teenager and almost hurt a bunch of people. Her parents both went to college and had white collar jobs. I grew up in a household where swearing was relatively common. My parents swore around us kids, and sometimes at us kids. My parents didn't go to college and had blue collar jobs. My friends were all the same way.

I swear around our kids. One of our boys is a teenager and is going through a snarky/disrespectful phase. He's missing a bunch of assignments in school, so I've had to mentor him to help him manage his work and time better to avoid another D. The other day he was being totally uncooperative, and refused to do anything. I lost my cool and swore at him, calling him an a**hole for the first time ever. My wife heard the exchange and has become traumatized by it.

I know I slipped and apologized to both my son and my wife. But my wife insists that the way she was raised is normal and that parents simply don't swear at their kids. So I'd love to ask everyone: how many parents swear at their kids?

You are asking two different things. You can be cursed at as a child so it is normal for you. But it isn't a great way to grow up. Ask yourseld this would you feel motivated if your wife called you an ahole for not doing something?

Good you apologized but I would see someone to change your ways.

[Anonymous]

Way to be a counterproductive role model, OP. Also, the "but MAH BC background" schtick you have going on here does not speak well of you. If you want your kid to manage frustration, model it.

https://celebratecalm.com/

The podcast above is really helpful. The change has to START with you. And maybe hire a tutor for him. He could have LD or be using or just be a teen. But taking on the identity of a a*hole or feeling like he has control over his parents' emotions is not good for him. Grow up, OP and stop this weird need to have the last word or whatever with your wife.

I suspect you may be a troll, but if not, Celebrate Calm is a gamechanger esp re: challenging kids.

[Anonymous]

^ Start with the “STOP DEFIANCE” WORKSHOP.
10 Ways to Stop Power Struggles & Build Confidence

It's free on the website at link.

You need to connect with the kid, not push him away or give him a self image to act up to. You DON'T want "oh, my dad thinks I'm an a*hole so why bother" or "my dad thinks I'm an a*hole so I may as well..." Can you see that, OP?

Hire a tutor or executive function coach to help him. And figure out why he is struggling. And grow up yourself. If you think on some level it's ok to call someone an a*hole, try it with your boss on Monday. This is a twisted crowd source, OP. It really does not speak well of you. At all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.... if it wasn't clear before, I don't intend to do this again. Everyone was kind of shocked I said it, including me. I was pretty sick that day with a cold and allergies, and had an unusually low tolerance for any BS. But I still knew it was wrong and apologized after.

What I'm really curious about is my wife's assertion that parents just don't swear at their kids. Maybe times have changed and we're weeding out the verbal habits of our parents, like they weeded out the physical punishment they got from their parents.

My parents never swore. Yet they hit us, so your comment makes no sense to me.

I do neither. I swear in traffic and when I drop something. Never call a kid a name - name their behavior.

[Anonymous]

Just because a behavior is normalized doesn't mean it's good. A lot of bad behavior is perpetuated because of thinking similar to yours.

I grew up in a family with a lot of swearing. It doesn't bother me in the least. I don't swear as much as I did growing up and rarely did it while the kids were growing up. Now that they’re young adults, I do it a bit more.

Yet, DH and I haven't sworn at them. We continue to label the behavior, not the person. You, rightly, apologized to your DS. If your DW or DS is 'traumatized' there's got to be something else going on if you've only done it once.

[Anonymous]

I grew up with a very bad tempered dad and he would call me every curse word under the sun when he was mad. Most of the time he was a wonderful dad, a provider, present in our lives, etc etc. But my childhood memories of him are usually always first being called an f-ing whatever.

I occasionally drop an f bomb when I get hurt or I’m incredibly overwhelmed and stressed but almost never in front of my kid, let alone directed at him.

[Anonymous]

DH and I swear when we’re with other adults, and occasionally in front of our kids, but it’s the exception, not the norm.

A couple of years ago one of our kids asked if we could just all swear around each other and we said no. I hear my kids swearing with peers from time to time, but am trying to maintain that boundary. I don’t want them to lose the ability to turn their swearing switch off.

[Anonymous]

this really reads like a troll, with words like "traumatized"

[Anonymous]

This is why kids are so screwed up. Apparently when a kid is an a-hole you can't let them know. Obviously you don't want to be swearing at your kids day and night but c'mon you should call out bad behavior. If my kid does something I'll say that was really stupid. If they have a bad attitude ill tell them you're being a jackass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why kids are so screwed up. Apparently when a kid is an a-hole you can't let them know. Obviously you don't want to be swearing at your kids day and night but c'mon you should call out bad behavior. If my kid does something I'll say that was really stupid. If they have a bad attitude ill tell them you're being a jackass.

That’s not my takeaway from this thread. You can tell your child they have a bad attitude and call out bad behavior w/o cursing at them. Cursing at someone is aggressive, demeaning and disrespectful, As is defining your child’s action w/ a curse word. There’s a huge difference between saying, you’re acting selfish and need to adjust your attitude, and telling your child “you’re a selfish pr!ck.”

[Anonymous]

It's not the swearing that's the issue in my book. I'd be just as angry if my DH called our kid a moron or a jerk or another name. It's the denigrating that's my issue.

[Anonymous]

Labeling a behavior and labeling a child are very different things.

[Anonymous]

I've never sworn at my "kids" (now 15 and 19) and my parents never swore at me. I think I've heard my father swear once? My mother definitely swore around me as I got older (funny enough, she doesn't do it now), but still, she never swore AT me. I have definitely cursed in front of my teens, but my husband never has. He had a similar upbringing to mine.

[Anonymous]

OP Here. I probably should have chosen a different word than traumatized -- was speaking more in the vernacular. My wife was rightfully quite upset with me. We've both sworn before in front of the kids -- me more frequently -- but never before called a kid a name. Normally we would address only the behavior and escalate only as far as saying something like "you're being stubborn and acting like a jerk" but never name-call. This was a slip-up on my part and I don't intend to repeat.

I was just having a difficult time believing my wife's assertion that most parents don't swear at their kids occasionally. Based on the sample size here, my wife's assertion appears correct. But I'd also caveat that the psychographic profile for the DC area and this forum is fairly homogenous (educated, liberal) and does not make for accurate polling science. That's not to say you're wrong about the swearing, just that we're unlikely to get many people who do it because you all know better.

[Anonymous]

I don’t call my kids names. DH doesn’t either. My parents were abusive. They called us names and cursed at us. DH’s parents were less about cursing and name calling, but his mom would say quit being ugly regularly.

I’ve probably slipped at some point and called my kids a name out of frustration. We’re all human and make mistakes. I think your wife is acting a little too precious considering her own father called her brother a name. You’ve apologized and are working to do better. She needs to let it go, but you also need to stop acting like it’s normal.

As far as your specific question about parents calling their kids names: yes, some parents verbally abuse their children. That’s what you’re comparing yourself to when you suggest it’s not unusual to call your kids names. It’s not a good look.