Swearing at Kids

[Anonymous]

Apologies if this has come up before.

My wife grew up in a household where her parents were mild mannered and good natured. Her only recollection of her dad ever swearing was once calling her brother an a**hole after he crashed a car as a teenager and almost hurt a bunch of people. Her parents both went to college and had white collar jobs. I grew up in a household where swearing was relatively common. My parents swore around us kids, and sometimes at us kids. My parents didn't go to college and had blue collar jobs. My friends were all the same way.

I swear around our kids. One of our boys is a teenager and is going through a snarky/disrespectful phase. He's missing a bunch of assignments in school, so I've had to mentor him to help him manage his work and time better to avoid another D. The other day he was being totally uncooperative, and refused to do anything. I lost my cool and swore at him, calling him an a**hole for the first time ever. My wife heard the exchange and has become traumatized by it.

I know I slipped and apologized to both my son and my wife. But my wife insists that the way she was raised is normal and that parents simply don't swear at their kids. So I'd love to ask everyone: how many parents swear at their kids?

[Anonymous]

I don't see how the kid is going to develop a better attitude with you calling him names. His poor emotional regulation is developmentally appropriate, yours is not. Work on it.

What is your plan to keep it from happening again knowing how upset your wife is?

[Anonymous]

My kids are grown but I raised them without swearing at them. I did swear occasionally and might have said WTF in their presence but I totally never called either of my kids by a swear word like a$$hole. My H not only never swore at or around the kids but didn't swear at all ever.

I was raised semi UMC (N. Arl before the divorce S. Arl after the divorce) and both parents never swore, my H was raised LMC in a small midwest town and I am pretty sure his parents never swore, maybe his dad occasionally.

[Anonymous]

MC parents never swore at us. We never swear at our kid. Swearing is reserved for traffic, malfunctioning computers, and constructing IKEA furniture.

[Anonymous]

I grew up being abused in all manners on welfare, whatever is below blue collar. My husband did not and grew up very wealthy from an educated family. Neither of us swear AT our kids. In front of? Sure. But never at.

[Anonymous]

OP here.... if it wasn't clear before, I don't intend to do this again. Everyone was kind of shocked I said it, including me. I was pretty sick that day with a cold and allergies, and had an unusually low tolerance for any BS. But I still knew it was wrong and apologized after.

What I'm really curious about is my wife's assertion that parents just don't swear at their kids. Maybe times have changed and we're weeding out the verbal habits of our parents, like they weeded out the physical punishment they got from their parents.

[Anonymous]

No, swearing AT your kids is not normal. Get your sh*t together.

[Anonymous]

If your kid was an a-hole then call it like you see it. There are lots of self righteous parents who claim perfection. I've called my son an ass. I don't there's anything wrong with that.
You've said you're sorry it's time to move on. Kids are terrible and not much fun. Sometimes they need to be called out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your kid was an a-hole then call it like you see it. There are lots of self righteous parents who claim perfection. I've called my son an ass. I don't there's anything wrong with that.
You've said you're sorry it's time to move on. Kids are terrible and not much fun. Sometimes they need to be called out.

I am curious, is it also alright in your world for your kid to call you an a'hole because you sound like you are kind of terrible and not much fun. Hope that doesn't come off sounding like I think I'm perfect, if so oops.

[Anonymous]

Swearing at your kids is trashy. This is not a white-collar/blue-collar thing. It is a building a respectful home for your family thing.

Stop swearing. Set a better example for your kids.

[Anonymous]

We swear in front of our kids but I’m very careful about not calling them names of any kind. I’ve sworn at them by saying “dammit” in response to something they said or did, and a few times I’ve said “you’re acting like a jerk.”

My stepfather called me a B once when I was a young teenager. I was probably being really difficult at the time but that moment has stuck with me. It was so hurtful.

[Anonymous]

OP, huge difference between saying you are frustrated or even saying "you are acting like a jerk right now" vs. saying "you ARE an a*hole." You may be a troll, if not, you are clearly seeking validation here or for you wife to be "wrong." Your attitudes toward your family are not respectful. Saying you ARE anything goes to a kid's self image. Is him thinking he's a a*hole going to help him in life, make him more cooperative, or less?

I think you have an idea that if you do it is somehow ok because you are a victim of your bc childhood. If PEP still has them I'd recommend their 3 session anger management class for you. I took it to help my dysregulated kid and learned a lot.

Would you call you boss an a*hole if frustrated? If not, why is someone still dependent on you for survival needs and for self image fair game?

[Anonymous]

We are a non-swearing household and our circle is non-swearing, but this incident is a mere blip in your family life, OP, and everyone needs to MOVE ON.

Yes, sometimes teens do stupid things and need support and supervision. Provide as much of it as you can, to help with his college prospects (my oldest, now in college, has severe ADHD and needed expensive tutors and accommodations in school - we were always issuing reminders, pushing and nagging). If a swear sneaks in every now and then, I, as a non-swearing person, tell you it's OK.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't see how the kid is going to develop a better attitude with you calling him names. His poor emotional regulation is developmentally appropriate, yours is not. Work on it.

What is your plan to keep it from happening again knowing how upset your wife is?

There’s swearing as like an exclamation or superlative.try to use sparingly.

And then there’s calling someone a swear word. Try to NOT do this. No name calling, don’t even name calling the action or behavior or incident. Most people don’t see the difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your kid was an a-hole then call it like you see it. There are lots of self righteous parents who claim perfection. I've called my son an ass. I don't there's anything wrong with that.
You've said you're sorry it's time to move on. Kids are terrible and not much fun. Sometimes they need to be called out.

Agree