Why not say "shy"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because we are all special, special snowflakes and everyone gets a star.

I cannot fathom how shy would be a negative. Some people are SHY its a FACT. You're not crazy, OP - your neighbors are!

YOU are my special snowflake and I love you.

I am a not shy but introverted adult. As long as I raise my child well, the occasional person calling her shy won't hurt her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who was a "shy" child, and was told or overheard constantly that I was "shy," that really stuck with me and I still hear in my head some days. In this society, being shy isn't a good thing. You're supposed to be the head of the team, a leader, confident in groups, etc. etc. None of that comes to mind when you hear the word shy. Not saying that's right certainly, but that's the way it is. So that's my two cents on why I hate the word shy and try to never use it with my kids.

I completely agree with this. I was also a shy child and HATED being called shy. Even into adulthood, people still seemed to use it as a way to describe me. I never use the word around my kids or use it to describe others. I'm really quite surprised by the cynicism in the previous responses. Sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G2QB_Ei45U0&feature=related

Jerk. I bet you still use the word retard to describe other kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the parent of a shy, slow to warm up 4 year old boy, we do try to avoid the use of the term "shy" to describe our son and I would be annoyed if a teacher said it. The problem is that it was said in front of the child and it can become sort of a self-perpetuating thing with a shy child. Interestingly, I had just something like this happen the other day, not with a teacher, but with a parent of a child in my son's class and it did bother me.

This. Your neighbors are probably mad at the teacher because it says in a parenting book to not call a shy child shy because it labels the child. Well, unfortunately a lot of people say this, so I think your neighbors are being too sensitive. I've become accustomed to occasionally telling my 4yo DD that it is fine to be shy, everyone feels shy sometimes, and that I am also sometimes shy because SO many people have said this over time to her -- teachers, other parents, strangers. It's important to tell a child that being shy is ok, everyone is different, and everyone has their shy moments. I don't mind much anymore the people that say once or twice "oh she is shy". It's the ones that go after my kid with "she is shy, why is she shy, you're too old to be shy, blah, blah, blah" and they won't stop and go after her so my DD hides behind me. To those people I say "she is acting shy because you keep saying that she is shy". That quiets them down right away.

[Anonymous]

Call a child shy and they become shy. I know countless examples from my own childhood and as an adult.

[Anonymous]

Hmmm, I will have to remember not to say "Oh I guess you're a little shy today" when a child in the DC metro area won't say hi back to me.

Instead I will stick with, "I said hello to you and you won't respond back, you should know that I am not judging your behavior, but, it is against social norms for you to not respond. Please let me know if there is a way that I can facilitate your adherence to social norms in the future when I might wish to greet you."

[Anonymous]

I sometimes say "she's BEING shy" and DD will also sometimes say she is "FEELING shy" I think that's different than calling a person shy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who was a "shy" child, and was told or overheard constantly that I was "shy," that really stuck with me and I still hear in my head some days. In this society, being shy isn't a good thing. You're supposed to be the head of the team, a leader, confident in groups, etc. etc. None of that comes to mind when you hear the word shy. Not saying that's right certainly, but that's the way it is. So that's my two cents on why I hate the word shy and try to never use it with my kids.

I completely agree with this. I was also a shy child and HATED being called shy. Even into adulthood, people still seemed to use it as a way to describe me. I never use the word around my kids or use it to describe others. I'm really quite surprised by the cynicism in the previous responses. Sad.

Add me to the list of people who agree with this. It's just not a nice thing to say to a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who was a "shy" child, and was told or overheard constantly that I was "shy," that really stuck with me and I still hear in my head some days. In this society, being shy isn't a good thing. You're supposed to be the head of the team, a leader, confident in groups, etc. etc. None of that comes to mind when you hear the word shy. Not saying that's right certainly, but that's the way it is. So that's my two cents on why I hate the word shy and try to never use it with my kids.

I completely agree with this. I was also a shy child and HATED being called shy. Even into adulthood, people still seemed to use it as a way to describe me. I never use the word around my kids or use it to describe others. I'm really quite surprised by the cynicism in the previous responses. Sad.

Add me to the list of people who agree with this. It's just not a nice thing to say to a child.

WTF? If you're admitting you're shy, then why is it so offensive to have someone say it? I could start a thread about being mad that someone had the nerve to call me five foot five inches tall (which I am), and I'd have a whole herd of you whiners agreeing that it is offensive to label people by their height. It is not mean, I was shy, people called me shy, it's not an insult, it has never bothered me in the slighest.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Wow, I didn't anticipate such strong responses! I wasn't trying to judge my neighbors, I was just trying to figure out what I was missing with using the term.

It sounds like the concern is labeling a child as shy will self-perpetuate it or make them feel anxious. I can see that, particularly if a child is very introverted or anxious naturally and then embarrassed about being called that constantly.

But for the average child, who is sometimes extroverted and sometimes not, how else do you handle it when they won't say hello to others who address them? I want to teach manners but also respect when my child isn't feeling up to it. She is only 2, so I have said she is "feeling or acting shy" today when she rejects someone. I just don't know how to handle the social awkwardness with the other person any other way. But other times she is calling out hello to anyone on the street!

Any ideas of what to say? Also, how to teach a child to respond to be polite even if they don't feel up to it---is this a do or a don't?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

But for the average child, who is sometimes extroverted and sometimes not, how else do you handle it when they won't say hello to others who address them? I want to teach manners but also respect when my child isn't feeling up to it. She is only 2, so I have said she is "feeling or acting shy" today when she rejects someone. I just don't know how to handle the social awkwardness with the other person any other way. But other times she is calling out hello to anyone on the street!

Any ideas of what to say? Also, how to teach a child to respond to be polite even if they don't feel up to it---is this a do or a don't?

Friends of ours have a very socially awkward/introverted/SHY child. To the point where he would not respond to anyone, including people he knew and saw every day. When he was little they would encourage him to wave. But as he got older? He was told quite plainly "You're being RUDE. (Person's name) said hello to you. You can say hello back." It took quite a while, but he now responds and has come out of his shell quite a bit because of it.

I was shy as a child. I sure as hell don't find the term offensive or insulting. It didn't hurt my delicate psyche to hear someone use the word shy. I'm also (how shall I word it this time?) physically challenged. (yeah that's good for today, lol) If there were ever words I hated, they were "Crippled" and "Retarded." Shy? Nothing wrong with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmmm, I will have to remember not to say "Oh I guess you're a little shy today" when a child in the DC metro area won't say hi back to me.

Instead I will stick with, "I said hello to you and you won't respond back, you should know that I am not judging your behavior, but, it is against social norms for you to not respond. Please let me know if there is a way that I can facilitate your adherence to social norms in the future when I might wish to greet you."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who was a "shy" child, and was told or overheard constantly that I was "shy," that really stuck with me and I still hear in my head some days. In this society, being shy isn't a good thing. You're supposed to be the head of the team, a leader, confident in groups, etc. etc. None of that comes to mind when you hear the word shy. Not saying that's right certainly, but that's the way it is. So that's my two cents on why I hate the word shy and try to never use it with my kids.

I completely agree with this. I was also a shy child and HATED being called shy. Even into adulthood, people still seemed to use it as a way to describe me. I never use the word around my kids or use it to describe others. I'm really quite surprised by the cynicism in the previous responses. Sad.

Add me to the list of people who agree with this. It's just not a nice thing to say to a child.

WTF? If you're admitting you're shy, then why is it so offensive to have someone say it? I could start a thread about being mad that someone had the nerve to call me five foot five inches tall (which I am), and I'd have a whole herd of you whiners agreeing that it is offensive to label people by their height. It is not mean, I was shy, people called me shy, it's not an insult, it has never bothered me in the slighest.

Being labeled as shy has negative connotations. Hearing someone call you shy on occasion is fine. I totally agree that all children have their shy moments. Hearing it time after time reinforces the idea that something is wrong with you. Not knowing a child who is shy in nature (a child in the playground etc, you may not know this. Innocently calling them shy adds to the already dozens of times a young child has heard this in their young lives.

[Anonymous]

I think it's also a bigger deal because this is an adult who spends hours every day with their child, and she said it in front of the parents, which means she clearly doesn't see even a little issue will labeling a child "shy." I would be very concerned with a situation where my child was possibly be told multiple times a day, "Oh, you're just _____." as a justification and a label for poor behavior.

FWIW, I have a "shy" one myself, and I tell her, "Are you feeling bashful?" when she is hesitant. As she gets older (she's 2) I do plan on working with her that she at least has to say "hello" to strangers who greet her and shake hands with acquaintances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who was a "shy" child, and was told or overheard constantly that I was "shy," that really stuck with me and I still hear in my head some days. In this society, being shy isn't a good thing. You're supposed to be the head of the team, a leader, confident in groups, etc. etc. None of that comes to mind when you hear the word shy. Not saying that's right certainly, but that's the way it is. So that's my two cents on why I hate the word shy and try to never use it with my kids.

Agree Agree!!! I was "shy" as a child and often called shy by many including my mom. My mom would say it about me and then it would make it soooo hard to then speak up and say, hello." I swear I might have tried to be not shy more often if people hadn't always labeled me as shy. Breaking past shyness that has been spotlighted it is a lot to expect of a shy child. To parents of shy children - use words like quiet or reserved.