Losing Friends at the End of High School

[Anonymous]

Any one with a high school senior facing social challenges? This is the last week of school and DD is losing besties to new boyfriends and other friends. Almost seems as if the kids are developing new identities and no longer care to be friends. Most are not going off to the same college together so I don't think it's a separation thing. DD was popular in prior high school years but seems she has hardly any friends now. There are lots of parties taking place that she doesn't get invited to. I know they are graduating but seems painful to watch. Also she still has summer to live through and feels quite lonely while others are getting together.

Has this happened to others? And what did your DD do?

[Anonymous]

This is unfortunately very common! She can look for other people to hang out with (maybe people she knows from activities or work) and count the days until college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is unfortunately very common! She can look for other people to hang out with (maybe people she knows from activities or work) and count the days until college.

OP - Just curious, why this is so common?

[Anonymous]

Does she no longer get invited because she doesn't party (drink, pot, vape, etc.)?

Similar thing happened to my kid when friend group became more into partying. Academically the group was really successful but it became "study hard, party harder" type of group. Didn't realize it at the time, but kid told me later.

[Anonymous]

Has she said she’s not being included? She might be just over it all and ready to move on so isn’t seeking invites and is putting off disinterested energy.

Conversely - I’m sorry to say - if she was popular, it’s possible she had social power but was never actually liked. Maybe she didn’t always treat people well. As high school ends, that power some people have no longer exists. The hierarchy is meaningless.

A “friend” of my daughter got dropped in this way this month by the larger friend group. She had a lot of crappy behaviors and people just didn’t want to spend time with her anymore to keep the peace

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does she no longer get invited because she doesn't party (drink, pot, vape, etc.)?

Similar thing happened to my kid when friend group became more into partying. Academically the group was really successful but it became "study hard, party harder" type of group. Didn't realize it at the time, but kid told me later.

Yes very likely why she doesn’t get invited. She also does not care to drink smoke or do any drugs. Hence she is left out. And her previous core group of friends are into all of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has she said she’s not being included? She might be just over it all and ready to move on so isn’t seeking invites and is putting off disinterested energy.

Conversely - I’m sorry to say - if she was popular, it’s possible she had social power but was never actually liked. Maybe she didn’t always treat people well. As high school ends, that power some people have no longer exists. The hierarchy is meaningless.

A “friend” of my daughter got dropped in this way this month by the larger friend group. She had a lot of crappy behaviors and people just didn’t want to spend time with her anymore to keep the peace

She is not included in party invites mainly because she doesn’t drink. But she is still included for other events. However, it’s just not the same. The girls don’t make time for each other anymore and their interests are different.

[Anonymous]

This is very typical and gets worse before it gets better because those with senior year boyfriends will spend almost 24/7 with them this summer if they're going to different colleges in the fall. In my daughter's case she didn't start dating anyone (although she would have liked to) and lost a few friends to boys but most of them were broken up by Christmas and life returned back to normal with those particular friendships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has she said she’s not being included? She might be just over it all and ready to move on so isn’t seeking invites and is putting off disinterested energy.

Conversely - I’m sorry to say - if she was popular, it’s possible she had social power but was never actually liked. Maybe she didn’t always treat people well. As high school ends, that power some people have no longer exists. The hierarchy is meaningless.

A “friend” of my daughter got dropped in this way this month by the larger friend group. She had a lot of crappy behaviors and people just didn’t want to spend time with her anymore to keep the peace

She is not included in party invites mainly because she doesn’t drink. But she is still included for other events. However, it’s just not the same. The girls don’t make time for each other anymore and their interests are different.

It’s sounds like you understand why this is happening. They have different interests now. This has happened since the kids were little, friends grow, change and drift. This is just a new phase of that.

[Anonymous]

Is she getting a summer job? Where my teen works, lots of them hang out together after the day is done.

[Anonymous]

I think it's normal, part of soiling the nest. And yes to the drugs and alcohol explanation. These kids might not have been that great genuine friends with each other and it was a proximity-based friendship.

Since you mentioned that many of them are going to the same college, it could also be that they want to distance themselves and get some breathing room so that they can make new friends at college and not go in with the expectation of keeping a high school friend group.

Whatever the reason, it's hard for your daughter, but it will soon be over. Keep her busy and focused on the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's normal, part of soiling the nest. And yes to the drugs and alcohol explanation. These kids might not have been that great genuine friends with each other and it was a proximity-based friendship.

Since you mentioned that many of them are going to the same college, it could also be that they want to distance themselves and get some breathing room so that they can make new friends at college and not go in with the expectation of keeping a high school friend group.

Whatever the reason, it's hard for your daughter, but it will soon be over. Keep her busy and focused on the future.

Sorry I read that wrong-- they're mostly NOT going off to the same college. But in cases where even just two friends are going to the same college, I've seen this assertive distancing thing happen.

[Anonymous]

She should be working this summer

HS friends who cares move on
College is where true friendships happen or even after