What’s the key to having a big family? How does it work? What’s needed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only thing I ever see with big families is problems. 2 of 3 or 2 of 4 kids are independent. The rest are total failures. Eating disorder, mentally ill, Peter Pan syndrome, and drugs or alcohol being the major points of failure.

Well these are the kinds of families you’re going to see when you live in a trailer park.

These are all wealthy families. No one lower than UMC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only thing I ever see with big families is problems. 2 of 3 or 2 of 4 kids are independent. The rest are total failures. Eating disorder, mentally ill, Peter Pan syndrome, and drugs or alcohol being the major points of failure.

Well these are the kinds of families you’re going to see when you live in a trailer park.

These are all wealthy families. No one lower than UMC.

Sure they are

[Anonymous]

A good, childhood friend of mine has 9 kids (all of whom she has homeschooled) and they all seem very happy and loving. For them, they are very religious (but not in an evangelical way, she’s Assembly of God, very liberal); and she has a significant amount of financial, logistical and emotional support from her own parents so major grandparent involvement.

Her kids range from mid 20s (because she had her first at 19) to 4. The kids all seem to get a long and there is a real sense of “pitching in” around the house so every kid has chores and helps but older kids are NOT assigned a younger one to “raise”. Basically they’re well off hippies. She is a lovely person and her formula seems very rare. I couldn’t have that many kids.

[Anonymous]

Agree it’s a variety of factors.

For my family:
Numbers. There are 5 of us kids, 14 grandkids
Really functional parents who raised us all to be kind, humble, family-loving adults without too much emotional baggage
Nobody is really crazy. Some of my siblings are kind of crazy, but nobody really digs in or holds grudges
A parent being sick and dying when we were all young adults - kept us close at the time we were all spreading our wings
An instigator/planner. Someone who takes the reigns and plans stuff

We’re not close in age (there’s a 10 year gap between some of us) or that close geographically (90 min to 8 hour dives apart) but vacation together, have big family parties, etc.

There are phases of closest though. I did a lot with my family when my kids were little and think I’ll see more of them when we’re all empty nesters, but these years with teenagers make it harder to get together.

[Anonymous]

Rituals help create structure and culture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous[b wrote:]Money.[/b] My husband’s family of origin is wealthy so his parents pay for big vacations - beach, skiing, private planes, etc. He and his siblings don’t really like each other but as long as the parents are paying everyone is happy to go. I think when the parents pass and all of the money is divided this will end.

Not really. Not enough money in the world would make me want to hang out with some relatives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A good, childhood friend of mine has 9 kids (all of whom she has homeschooled) and they all seem very happy and loving. For them, they are very religious (but not in an evangelical way, she’s Assembly of God, very liberal); and she has a significant amount of financial, logistical and emotional support from her own parents so major grandparent involvement.

Her kids range from mid 20s (because she had her first at 19) to 4. The kids all seem to get a long and there is a real sense of “pitching in” around the house so every kid has chores and helps but older kids are NOT assigned a younger one to “raise”. Basically they’re well off hippies. She is a lovely person and her formula seems very rare. I couldn’t have that many kids.

Some people are good at the looking good for outsiders.

[Anonymous]

Not having mental health challenges is key.

[Anonymous]

I’m one of 5 and we fit the big family mold.

My thoughts:

- depends on the adult childrens’ well-being on whether they all want to spend time together; the PP who referred to mental illness is right

- my parents never give guilt trips if someone skips an event here or there. You don’t achieve the big happy family vibe through coercion, manipulation, or guilt.

- my parents taught us that who our siblings choose as a partner is sacred and you never mess with someone’s spouse. Same with siblings’ children. It’s absolutely irrelevant whether I like my sisters’ husbands; I always treat them with respect

- every family has issues - jealousies, resentments, grudges, etc. you can manage that by maintaining some healthy distance but not resorting to total estrangement. Come to holidays and events pretty consistently and always be kind. Eventually, people get over most things.

- parents always encouraged us to get together with siblings, even without the parents there. They always said, “our best gift to you is your siblings.”

Honestly, if it all boiled down to one thing, it’s to simply be nice to each other, even if you’re feeling upset about something. If you cannot be nice, don’t show up. And if you treat people badly, don’t ever expect them to be there for you.

I feel sorry for my MIL. She really wants the big happy family vibe with her adult children and she’s truly the sweetest. But her kids don’t treat each other well or each other’s spouses well. The get togethers are always driven by the parents and totally forced. And they never call out their kids being unkind - they just allow them to be nasty to others. So I’m not surprised people don’t want to get together, even though I’m sad for her.

[Anonymous]

I want this for my children. DH and I are children of immigrants and had no extended family in the US. We each have a sibling who are single and childless. I hope each of my three children have 3-4 kids and we have many grandchildren. We have the money to pay for family vacations, have a large house that I hope all the kids and grandchildren will come to for holidays. I will be that person who organizes and invites.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want this for my children. DH and I are children of immigrants and had no extended family in the US. We each have a sibling who are single and childless. I hope each of my three children have 3-4 kids and we have many grandchildren. We have the money to pay for family vacations, have a large house that I hope all the kids and grandchildren will come to for holidays. I will be that person who organizes and invites.

Of the people I know coming from big families, none had families of the same size. Most have 2 and some had none. It's not upbringing IMO it's that is the cause, but financially it's far too hard to have that many kids. By the time you might have the finances for it you couldn't have that many even if you wanted to. Most of the gen Z people I know don't want kids at all. They want to work very limited hours and travel the world.