Protecting my neighbor from abusive husband

[Anonymous]

OP, why are you afraid of a subpoena? If you have helpful testimony to provide, why wouldn’t you provide it? If you really want to help her, that’s one way to do it. Credible witnesses who support her claims are invaluable. Whatever you and the other neighbors can talk about based on your first-hand observations is extremely important. Do what’s right, even if it’s hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A woman that is close to me used to go outside when her husband started up with her. He was very concerned about appearances and if he followed her out, he would not scream and threaten like he did inside the house. You could have her try that, so that either he calms down, or if he persists, you can record it and call the police. You can also (if safe) ring their bell or call them when you hear yelling, to let him know people are watching. Another thing you can do is offer to watch their kids, for example if she has to go to court or to the police station.

That works til he sees what she’s doing and blocks the door/prevents her from leaving.

+1. Other abusive husbands are keen to go to outside places and gaslight in public . Someone close to me has a husband that will rage in the garage, yard, etc . To make it seem she is the problem. This in spite of him having a long court record . So be careful with that tactic, OP!

Fairfax police are not reliable in civil matters, and you need to use them sparingly, if at all. Their tendency is to do what is best for them at the time only- they tend to not care about facts.

Second year law school I was a victim witness advocate in Fairfax family court(juv/domestic). It was free to victims of dv. It is worth calling family court to see if they still have these.

I would also say your neighbor needs a lawyer, asap. Abusers play DIRTY.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My neighbor has been dealing with her abusive husband for months now and I'm at a loss for how messed up family court is in Virginia. They hate women! How are you supposed to leave an abusive marriage?

In November, she called the cops on him and they did nothing. Even though she had videos. She told me they were not concerned by her videos. Then, she gets in trouble because he lies to the police about stuff he did to the house. I don't get it?!?! This area seems so progressive, but she's going to be falsely accused right into jail. I cannot even be her support system because his lawyer shark subpeonas like it's going out of style.

Our entire street has banded together to be her tribe. I'm rallying up everyone i know to help her. We watch him day and night to make sure he knows we all have HER back. Are there any compassionate resources out there for women being abused by the system?

What type of videos? Did you see these videos? Police was not concerned and she still lives with him. It is 2024. No one is a prisoner. It is her choice to stay with him and go around the neighborhood telling everyone how abusive he is.

Classic victim blaming, but I expect nothing less from DCUM.

Here's the thing about DV: the most dangerous time is when you try to leave.

+1 Agree PP here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if OP is a troll or not, but it definitely seems like the more narcissistic partner can have a field day manipulating the court system. I am watching this process with my cousin and his STBX. From the beginning she has made false allegations, filed restraining orders, and basically said and done anything she can to make his life a living hell, and there seems to be very little he can do about it.

Temporary restraining orders? Or Interim ones? Or protective orders?

The burden of proof with an actual protective order or even a temporary one is extremely high. Interim ones are up to the judgement of the officer that takes the complaint and can be biased because only one side is presenting evidence.

Don’t assume that just because you get along with the accused but he seems nice enough that he isn’t guilty.

Probably an interim order- with all of the delays, it lasted almost 9 months. So it was nine months my cousin couldn’t see his kids without a court appointed supervisor and didn’t have access to his own house.

When the court date finally came the judge told the STBX she had lost her credibility because of the numerous texts she sent my cousin trying to get back together, trying to get money, and all of the times she showed up at his Airbnb harassing him. Not exactly what you do when you are fearful. So that was thrown out and she just filed for ANOTHER protective order/restraining order against the judge’s recommendation. She is also on her second or third lawyer.

My cousin actually isn’t that great and I don’t know what kind of husband he was but this woman is a complete psycho. She goes back and forth between texting him about what a monster and terrible husband/father he is and how she would like to get back together so that she can go to school and become a clinical psychologist (throughout their 10 year marriage she declined to work and was always “studying” for a new career, she was going to med school, then veterinary school, etc.). I don’t think my cousin is a dream man (although he is a high earner) but this woman is mentally ill.

I’m not a lawyer, but I am not aware of a state in which an interim one doesn’t expire after a week. You don’t have all the information, PP.

It’s California, and in this case the judge can grant a temporary restraining order and it did indeed go on for months. It even states this is a possibility on California’s website about this.

To the pp that thinks this is “classic” domestic violence. This is a case where the woman is the one who has been violent to the point where my cousin had to go to the hospital and is using everyone’s assumption that the woman is a victim against him.

[Anonymous]

Be careful OP. PP who worked in courts here. Sometimes a restraining order can set a narcissistic abuser over the edge. Remember, they have control issues, as it is. Does this guy have a gun? You dob’t want him coming after you or your family. Just be wise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My neighbor has been dealing with her abusive husband for months now and I'm at a loss for how messed up family court is in Virginia. They hate women! How are you supposed to leave an abusive marriage?

In November, she called the cops on him and they did nothing. Even though she had videos. She told me they were not concerned by her videos. Then, she gets in trouble because he lies to the police about stuff he did to the house. I don't get it?!?! This area seems so progressive, but she's going to be falsely accused right into jail. I cannot even be her support system because his lawyer shark subpeonas like it's going out of style.

Our entire street has banded together to be her tribe. I'm rallying up everyone i know to help her. We watch him day and night to make sure he knows we all have HER back. Are there any compassionate resources out there for women being abused by the system?

What type of videos? Did you see these videos? Police was not concerned and she still lives with him. It is 2024. No one is a prisoner. It is her choice to stay with him and go around the neighborhood telling everyone how abusive he is.

Classic victim blaming, but I expect nothing less from DCUM.

Here's the thing about DV: the most dangerous time is when you try to leave.

+1

Courts stink in MD and VA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, why are you afraid of a subpoena? If you have helpful testimony to provide, why wouldn’t you provide it? If you really want to help her, that’s one way to do it. Credible witnesses who support her claims are invaluable. Whatever you and the other neighbors can talk about based on your first-hand observations is extremely important. Do what’s right, even if it’s hard.

My friend who I'm helping, like anyone, isn't perfect. My friend's lawyer said that cross examination is a real problem and works against victims like my friend.

[Anonymous]

IME as the victim you get all your evidence (photos, recordings, videos, journal) lined uo and filed somewhere safe. You set up a place to land with your kids like a friends house or ideally a furnished apartment and put clothes & valuables there. You find a job if you don’t have one or borrow money for 3-6 months. Then you wait until an incident where he physically hurts you or kids, report to police, file a report, leave with kids (but within state and tell him where you are), file a restraining order if he harassed you, and file for divorce. It’s really all or nothing bc abusers are not deterred by you filing a police report and they will make your life a living hell if you attempt to live with them after doing that (plus the police will not take you seriously if you return).

[Anonymous]

As the neighbor, you can help by installing recording doorbells cameras that point at their house. If you capture anything on video, make sure neighbor can use it legally.

[Anonymous]

Outsource.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My neighbor has been dealing with her abusive husband for months now and I'm at a loss for how messed up family court is in Virginia. They hate women! How are you supposed to leave an abusive marriage?

In November, she called the cops on him and they did nothing. Even though she had videos. She told me they were not concerned by her videos. Then, she gets in trouble because he lies to the police about stuff he did to the house. I don't get it?!?! This area seems so progressive, but she's going to be falsely accused right into jail. I cannot even be her support system because his lawyer shark subpeonas like it's going out of style.

Our entire street has banded together to be her tribe. I'm rallying up everyone i know to help her. We watch him day and night to make sure he knows we all have HER back. Are there any compassionate resources out there for women being abused by the system?

Where in VA. Fairfax should be doing better. check out the women's center

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My neighbor has been dealing with her abusive husband for months now and I'm at a loss for how messed up family court is in Virginia. They hate women! How are you supposed to leave an abusive marriage?

In November, she called the cops on him and they did nothing. Even though she had videos. She told me they were not concerned by her videos. Then, she gets in trouble because he lies to the police about stuff he did to the house. I don't get it?!?! This area seems so progressive, but she's going to be falsely accused right into jail. I cannot even be her support system because his lawyer shark subpeonas like it's going out of style.

Our entire street has banded together to be her tribe. I'm rallying up everyone i know to help her. We watch him day and night to make sure he knows we all have HER back. Are there any compassionate resources out there for women being abused by the system?

What type of videos? Did you see these videos? Police was not concerned and she still lives with him. It is 2024. No one is a prisoner. It is her choice to stay with him and go around the neighborhood telling everyone how abusive he is.

Np. Such an ignorant comment. 🙄

[Anonymous]

Police hate domestic calls because the two people who were trying to tear each other limb from limb moments ago will turn in unison on the police.

It is not your job, or the neighborhood’s job, to “rescue” your neighbor. She knows she can leave. She’s decided not.

It is unwise and perilous to insert oneself into the domestic affairs of others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the neighbor, you can help by installing recording doorbells cameras that point at their house. If you capture anything on video, make sure neighbor can use it legally.

We're also friends and we all have cameras but none of them show him acting in a way that is useful to this case. The entire street pours over footage but it's infuriating. He goes to work, comes home, works on house or yard, and nothing. He's so careful not to do anything out of line in the view of our cameras.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why are you afraid of a subpoena? If you have helpful testimony to provide, why wouldn’t you provide it? If you really want to help her, that’s one way to do it. Credible witnesses who support her claims are invaluable. Whatever you and the other neighbors can talk about based on your first-hand observations is extremely important. Do what’s right, even if it’s hard.

My friend who I'm helping, like anyone, isn't perfect. My friend's lawyer said that cross examination is a real problem and works against victims like my friend.

That’s called due process that you and your friend don’t like, but only when it applies to men.