Dealing with Bipolar sister

[Anonymous]

OP here. I absolutely did not do anything inappropriate to my sister to cause her to stop talking to me. She didn’t stop talking to me because I said something she didn’t like. She stopped talking to me because I took space after she said mean things about my boyfriend.

When she is unmedicated she is extremely crass and has no filter. She thinks it’s ok to say anything and the other person should just take it. I know better after years of this than to try and argue with her. But the situation is still hurtful when she says negative things so I needed a breather. When she is in these places any indication that another is bothered by her behavior sends her off the deep end. I’m just not sure how to manage this. Taki my a brief step back was the most peaceful thing I could think of.

I will continue to try and reach out to my nephews and hope they will take my calls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I absolutely did not do anything inappropriate to my sister to cause her to stop talking to me. She didn’t stop talking to me because I said something she didn’t like. She stopped talking to me because I took space after she said mean things about my boyfriend.

When she is unmedicated she is extremely crass and has no filter. She thinks it’s ok to say anything and the other person should just take it. I know better after years of this than to try and argue with her. But the situation is still hurtful when she says negative things so I needed a breather. When she is in these places any indication that another is bothered by her behavior sends her off the deep end. I’m just not sure how to manage this. Taki my a brief step back was the most peaceful thing I could think of.

I will continue to try and reach out to my nephews and hope they will take my calls.

It sounds like you did nothing wrong. I’ve been accused of stealing by my sister so I can empathize.

My advice is not to talk to your sister about any of your problems. If she starts talking to you again one day, grey rock her.

With my sister, I learned I can’t rely on her for help or advice and can’t tell her any problems. She will use what I say against me at some point.

I’d also stop trying to call. She probably loves the drama and attention. She will probably reach out sooner if you ignore her.

My sister lied about me to her family and said her family didn’t like me. I had to ignore all that and keep being who I am because she was feeding them lies. And I assume she is lying to me about them too, so I never believe what she says about them.

[Anonymous]

Mental illness sucks. My sister has bipolar and borderline personality disorders too. I didn't realize what it was until I was in my late 30s, and looking at our childhood through this lens was a huge eye-opening epiphany. Once I reset my expectations, I stopped being disappointed. She goes through periods of black and white thinking where she loves or hates me, and when it's the latter, her twisting, manipulation, and subversion know no limits. I had to cut contact with her for a couple years after our mother passed -- she was simply too toxic. Our relationship now is cordial and loving but I enforce boundaries and sidestep the hoover maneuver dramas. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Lol. They don't stop speaking for "no reason" -- and your definition of "little" is undoubtedly something your sister would debate.

People cut off siblings for good reason all the time where the cut-off sibling, due to lack of insight, thinks it was for "no reason." When this scenario takes place with a sibling who has a mental illness, it gives the sibling who is actually at fault all the ammunition in the world to wail away about it like OP. "My sibling cut me off because they have bipolar disorder!!!" Nope, they cut you off because you are a jack@$$.

OP's nieces and nephews have phones and they aren't taking her calls either. She did something. And it probably wasn't "little."

So clearly you are the one who has bipolar disorder or traits and have subjected people close to you to your unpredictable behavior. There are plenty of us on this thread that have family members with bipolar who are familiar with the irrational decisions of an unmedicated person with bipolar, and cutting off communication with someone for no rational reason is one of the milder slights that a person with bipolar might inflict.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Lol. They don't stop speaking for "no reason" -- and your definition of "little" is undoubtedly something your sister would debate.

People cut off siblings for good reason all the time where the cut-off sibling, due to lack of insight, thinks it was for "no reason." When this scenario takes place with a sibling who has a mental illness, it gives the sibling who is actually at fault all the ammunition in the world to wail away about it like OP. "My sibling cut me off because they have bipolar disorder!!!" Nope, they cut you off because you are a jack@$$.

OP's nieces and nephews have phones and they aren't taking her calls either. She did something. And it probably wasn't "little."

So clearly you are the one who has bipolar disorder or traits and have subjected people close to you to your unpredictable behavior. There are plenty of us on this thread that have family members with bipolar who are familiar with the irrational decisions of an unmedicated person with bipolar, and cutting off communication with someone for no rational reason is one of the milder slights that a person with bipolar might inflict.

Her nieces and nephews are scared at the punishment they'll get from a histrionic and unmedicated mentally ill mother who controls their lives. They are not independent yet, so their actions are not to be taken as independent. They are probably intimidated if not scared.

[Anonymous]

Parent of an adult child with bipolar disorder here: does your sister have a partner in the picture? How old are your nephews?

I would be more concerned about their safety, including your sister’s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I absolutely did not do anything inappropriate to my sister to cause her to stop talking to me. She didn’t stop talking to me because I said something she didn’t like. She stopped talking to me because I took space after she said mean things about my boyfriend.

When she is unmedicated she is extremely crass and has no filter. She thinks it’s ok to say anything and the other person should just take it. I know better after years of this than to try and argue with her. But the situation is still hurtful when she says negative things so I needed a breather. When she is in these places any indication that another is bothered by her behavior sends her off the deep end. I’m just not sure how to manage this. Taki my a brief step back was the most peaceful thing I could think of.

I will continue to try and reach out to my nephews and hope they will take my calls.

Wait ... so it is ok for you to "take a breather." It's ok that you "took space." But it isn't ok for her to do the exact same thing? If she does it, it is her mental illness? Lol. She called it like she saw it regarding your boyfriend, and you got mad and stopped speaking to her and now that she isn't speaking to you in return she's a nightmare because she has bipolar? You acted like a baby and wouldn't speak to her but when you do it you are taking a breather, and now that she's like "Fine, I don't want to talk to her anyway" her "behavior" is "off the deep end." Ok. Lol.

[Anonymous]

It's not about you. Agree that mental illness SUCKS, and we don't do a good job with treatment or support.

My suggestion is to check out some support groups with NAMI. Many others have been in similar situations (or worse).

[Anonymous]

OP, I totally understand! I also have a bipolar sister who refuses to take meds. She recently changed her number, as she often does, because I passed along her number to our grandmother. Our grandmother simply wanted to see my nephew and my sister had been talking about bringing him over to see her weekly. Apparently, her paranoia kicked in and she avoided me for almost 2 months as well as grandma.

I really want to see my nephew more often and I don't know how to navigate it effectively either. It sucks when you come from an otherwise close family and have a mentally ill sibling. She shared her number with my kid and speaks to her directly but my nephew is too young for me to contact outside of her. I just chose not to push it and I recently got a text.

Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I absolutely did not do anything inappropriate to my sister to cause her to stop talking to me. She didn’t stop talking to me because I said something she didn’t like. She stopped talking to me because I took space after she said mean things about my boyfriend.

When she is unmedicated she is extremely crass and has no filter. She thinks it’s ok to say anything and the other person should just take it. I know better after years of this than to try and argue with her. But the situation is still hurtful when she says negative things so I needed a breather. When she is in these places any indication that another is bothered by her behavior sends her off the deep end. I’m just not sure how to manage this. Taki my a brief step back was the most peaceful thing I could think of.

I will continue to try and reach out to my nephews and hope they will take my calls.

If the nephews don't return your calls or won't speak when they answer, you need to consider that a boundary and respect it. You seem to be showing your own black and white rigid thinking. Your sister is bad and you are the good one and the savior and your nephews need you. People with mental illness can be good parents. Even if you don't have a good relationship, it doesn't mean she doesn't have healthy relationships with others. You are not some superhero. I would back away. If the nephews reach out to you and want help then definitely help, otherwise maybe consider getting help learning to detach with love and stop inserting yourself.

[Anonymous]

Wait, op, why did you take the bait about your boyfriend? What she said wasn’t nice, and I can see defending him if he was there, but you knew she was off her meds, and he wasn’t there. You were several states away and yet you couldn’t say “what? I can’t hear you for some reason, the phone sucks today, let’s talk later”.
Normally I’d be on your side, but you want a relationship with your sister and your nephews and if you want a relationship with the nephews, you have to keep mom happy. I can’t understand why you didn’t ignore the comment, and while you don’t believe it, I do have some experience with this. You need to decide what’s important, if it’s your sister, fine, ignore the nonsense. If it’s the boyfriend, fine, though again you know your sister is a nut, so why argue. Do you think she may just be onto something?
You can also decide you’re just done or that you don’t need or want to talk to her everyday. Whatever is or isn’t going on, she lives several states away and nobody is forced to live anyplace they don’t want to live, not anymore. Why not spend your sister talk time focusing on your family or at least people and activities that are local to you?
I also think you have a problem with boundaries, as another person said “you don’t just stop by when someone is mad at you”. I can’t understand why you’d think that was a good idea. Your sister may be lots of things but you aren’t too nice either, taking the bait over something that you are apparently happy with (he’s still your boyfriend right?), thinking you could and would only stop by if she just lived closer and then trying to be in touch with her kids and worse yet, getting your own kids to “check in” on their cousins. For Pete’s sake, at least leave your own kids out of it, or better yet, explain their aunt, how it impacts her children and how it impacts them. Maybe not the happiest of conversations but that’s part of being a mom. As a friend of mine says “If adult stuff didn’t happen around kids, I’d never have to think about explaining adult issues to them” It’s worth remembering. An adult issue is impacting them, largely because of your actions, now you need to explain it. If only you’d let the comment about the boyfriend go, op.
Lest people think I’m letting the mentally ill person just say whatever, I kind of am. It to me wasn’t worth a fight yet op chose to engage. OP could have also spun this in her own head anyway “Hey, my sister is really saying I’m so good-looking gay men want me”. Could you not have reframed this op since having your sister in your life is what you want? The beauty of this is nobody has to know what you do with a comment someone makes to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parent of an adult child with bipolar disorder here: does your sister have a partner in the picture? How old are your nephews?

I would be more concerned about their safety, including your sister’s.

Those poor kids. I have no doubt your unmedicated sister is hell on wheels. She's likely constantly attacking and terrorizing them, and subjecting them to wild rages. If you haven't figured it out already, they need other family members' support. It will make all the difference in the world to them.

[Anonymous]

I’d consider it a blessing in disguise. If you, the aunt, were talking to her kids 2 times a week you’d have to be offering similar access to your sister with your child. Would you really want an in medicated bipolar sister talking to your kid on the phone that often saying who knows what? Let her back off and be thankful. Hopefully there’s a husband or dad or grandparents in the lives of her kids to fall back on too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Wait, op, why did you take the bait about your boyfriend? What she said wasn’t nice, and I can see defending him if he was there, but you knew she was off her meds, and he wasn’t there. You were several states away and yet you couldn’t say “what? I can’t hear you for some reason, the phone sucks today, let’s talk later”.
Normally I’d be on your side, but you want a relationship with your sister and your nephews and if you want a relationship with the nephews, you have to keep mom happy. I can’t understand why you didn’t ignore the comment, and while you don’t believe it, I do have some experience with this. You need to decide what’s important, if it’s your sister, fine, ignore the nonsense. If it’s the boyfriend, fine, though again you know your sister is a nut, so why argue. Do you think she may just be onto something?
You can also decide you’re just done or that you don’t need or want to talk to her everyday. Whatever is or isn’t going on, she lives several states away and nobody is forced to live anyplace they don’t want to live, not anymore. Why not spend your sister talk time focusing on your family or at least people and activities that are local to you?
I also think you have a problem with boundaries, as another person said “you don’t just stop by when someone is mad at you”. I can’t understand why you’d think that was a good idea. Your sister may be lots of things but you aren’t too nice either, taking the bait over something that you are apparently happy with (he’s still your boyfriend right?), thinking you could and would only stop by if she just lived closer and then trying to be in touch with her kids and worse yet, getting your own kids to “check in” on their cousins. For Pete’s sake, at least leave your own kids out of it, or better yet, explain their aunt, how it impacts her children and how it impacts them. Maybe not the happiest of conversations but that’s part of being a mom. As a friend of mine says “If adult stuff didn’t happen around kids, I’d never have to think about explaining adult issues to them” It’s worth remembering. An adult issue is impacting them, largely because of your actions, now you need to explain it. If only you’d let the comment about the boyfriend go, op.
Lest people think I’m letting the mentally ill person just say whatever, I kind of am. It to me wasn’t worth a fight yet op chose to engage. OP could have also spun this in her own head anyway “Hey, my sister is really saying I’m so good-looking gay men want me”. Could you not have reframed this op since having your sister in your life is what you want? The beauty of this is nobody has to know what you do with a comment someone makes to you.

OP here. Thank you for your perspective. I think you make a good point.

From my end dealing with my sisters illness is at times exhausting. it has had a major impact on my life including aiding in the destruction of my first marriage. As a result of this I think I was particularly sensitive about partner criticism, because it was something I tolerated in the past that led to some really bad outcomes. I have a lot of regrets about allowing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d consider it a blessing in disguise. If you, the aunt, were talking to her kids 2 times a week you’d have to be offering similar access to your sister with your child. Would you really want an in medicated bipolar sister talking to your kid on the phone that often saying who knows what? Let her back off and be thankful. Hopefully there’s a husband or dad or grandparents in the lives of her kids to fall back on too.

OP here. She has a partner who she is very verbally abusive towards when not medicated. Other than that she has cut off the rest of my family for about a decade. I was the only family member her kids had access to.